Dealing with difficult relationships
Dealing with difficult relationships is unavoidable. We all have a unique history complete with our own special brand of trauma, as well as good old-fashioned quirks that make for interesting dynamics in relationships. Some people just don’t click, but often those people find they must interact with one another often. Think co-workers, in-laws, church committee members - you get my drift.
Trouble dealing with difficult relationships is often what brings clients to counseling. They come to me and want to know how to cope with hard people. At some point, I must gently say with a grin, “You DO know we can’t change this person, right?” It’s typically a significant turning point as we shift the focus from all the ways the client wishes the difficult person would change, to all the ways they can choose to respond to and cope with this person’s behavior.
Two strategies to help you deal with the challenging relationships in your life.
Get clear on your expectations for the relationship. If someone is repeatedly disrespectful to you, expecting respectful interactions sets you up to be disappointed. Once you are honest with yourself about how the other person interacts, you will stop being surprised and frustrated by the behavior.
A client once shared with me that she really struggled to have meaningful, authentic conversations with her mother. She shared that she found herself being so disappointed after every interaction because, once again, the conversation had been only surface-level. Instead of attempting to change her mom’s way of conversing, we got clear on the reality before her – she and her mom didn’t yet have the ability to have meaningful, authentic conversations. Maybe that would happen in time, maybe it wouldn’t, but until then, my client got clear about what the limits were and created a different set of expectations when interacting with her mother. She showed up willing to participate in what her mom was able to give – lighthearted, generally shallow conversations about the day-to-day happenings in her life. I helped her to brainstorm and seek out other people in her life who could fulfill her need for deeper, more meaningful talks.
2. Ask yourself why this person’s behavior is triggering you. If a difficult person in your life is creating upset for you, use it as a growth opportunity. Curiosity about what is happening and why will lead you to be more regulated when dealing with this person.
At my first job out of graduate school, I worked at a non-profit. There was a co-worker with whom I really struggled to interact. She was quiet and it seemed she was just watching me waiting for me to fail. I felt belittled and immature around this person. I found myself steering clear and trying my best not to engage. I couldn’t explain it, but this person’s quiet demeanor made me feel really bad about myself. One day I was in a situation where we had to work closely, and you know what I discovered? She was nice. She was funny and kind and smart. So, I got curious. Why had I taken her quiet demeanor and watchful gaze as condescension? Here’s what I realized. When I was young, my mom would often go quiet. Her mood would shift, and I didn’t know what had happened, but as a child, I quickly interpreted that silence as evidence that I had done something wrong. Here I was as an adult, reacting to this same behavior from my co-worker in the same way. It wasn’t about my co-worker at all, but rather about my own trauma responses. Had I not gotten closer in proximity to this person, albeit unintentionally, and looked inward, I would have never been able to learn more information to help me understand why I was having that reaction around her.
Dealing with difficult relationships is unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to derail your emotional well-being and your peace.