Wise Anger
Anger is a complicated emotion. It can range from mild irritation to seething rage. Anger is an internal alarm that tells us something isn’t quite right. The problem is, the same alarm sounds regardless of what triggers it. Our alarm bells may signal us to experience anger because a terrible injustice has been done and it can just as quickly signal us to experience anger because we burned dinner. So, our job is to hear that alarm, and then be discerning about what our next course of action should be.
The emotion of anger itself is neutral. It’s part of human experience to feel angry just like it’s part of human experience to feel happy. But when our alarm bell is triggered with the emotion of anger, what happens next? Will our anger result in foolish words and actions or will it lead to wise words and actions? Will we allow our anger to quickly dissolve into bitterness and aggression? Or will our anger be tempered in such a way that it can be a catalyst, inspiring and even motivating others.
We’re given some wisdom about how to respond to anger in the New Testament book of Ephesians.
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
Before Paul even addresses anger, he reminds us that as a Christ follower, we ought to be humble, gentle, patient, loving, unified and peaceful. He reminds us that anything other than that is who we were before we knew Jesus and has no place in our new life. He actually tells us to put off our old self and put on our new self. Then, he gets to anger…
“Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
These verses, to me, show that our response to anger is to be controlled and responsive. It’s to be backed in truthfulness and expressed in such a way that doesn’t allow for that anger to be used as a springboard for other sin. Some of those other sins for me include unforgiveness, being critical, bitterness and a judgmental spirit. He goes on…
“Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”
Part of your new self that you’ve put on, includes working hard so you can share what you learn with others and being positive in your speech so you can help people feel better instead of causing them to feel badly.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
These last two verses, I believe, signal back to what earlier he calls ‘giving the devil a foothold’. When we let anger take up space and go unchecked, this is what it produces. He says the way we check that, is to be kind, compassionate, forgiving, because that’s exactly what Jesus has done for you.
Our anger alarm system is given to us by God. A blessing. A gift. When you feel it, you have a choice of how you will respond to it. James 1:19 says
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
Will people who don’t know Jesus see a difference in the way you process and express your anger? When you think about the things that are causing anger to sound your alarm right now, are you responding to it in a way that brings honor to the name of Jesus or in a way that gives Satan free reign to work in your heart.
A few practical strategies you can use to help process anger-
Get to know your anger
Do a quick self-assessment to determine (a) when you’re feeling anger and (b) what it physically feels like.
(a) If every time you check your Facebook App or Twitter feed, your blood pressure goes up and you have ugly non-Jesus-y feelings about people, that’s a clue as to when your anger may be triggered. Decide how you can reduce the amount of time you’re spending on those platforms and perhaps substitute some cute dog videos. (I recommend Tucker Budzyn the golden retriever – google him - It’ll change your life.) Seriously, if you realize your alarm is going off every time you’re in a particular situation, it’s time to set some healthy boundaries around that particular time and place and perhaps person.
(b) When I feel angry, my ears get hot. My heart starts racing and my mouth goes dry. I’ve learned this about myself. So those physical cues have become my guardrails. When I feel those begin, I know that it is important I immediately pray for guidance to control my anger. I know I need to take a posture of humility first and then one of assertiveness, rather than aggression. The point of getting to know your anger is that when you do, you are back in the driver’s seat and anger is not driving the car.
Practice responding to your anger rather than reacting to it.
When we react to our anger, there is little time between the moment that caused the anger and the reaction. For example, I read something online, it makes me angry, I start typing. Reactions to anger can often come across as aggressive. They are often critical and place blame. They tend to point out all the things a person is doing wrong and rarely anything they are doing right. Reactions create a defensive posture typically and like to use the word YOU a lot. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”.
A response to anger, allows for a pause between the trigger and the response. For example, I read something online, it makes me angry, I put my phone down, walk away and do something else and allow myself to think about it. A couple hours later when I’ve had time to calm down, I carefully craft a response. Responses are more often seen as assertive. Responses clearly express the reasons for their anger by being specific. Responses are respectful and tend to use the word I more often that you. Ecclesiastes 10:4 says “Calmness puts great offenses to rest.”
I’d also like to remind us that there are plenty of times, most times I would argue, that our response should be silence. You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to!
“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:12