Mental load
“I feel like I used to have this incredible work ethic and have a “sleep when I’m dead”, “push through” and “get it done” mentality. But I since becoming a mom, I feel less capable of managing the work load I used to be able to handle so well…it feels like my breaking point comes so much earlier these days than it used to.”
A friend shared this with me shortly after having a baby. My guess is you may be able to relate. I don't think my friend is alone in feeling like she can't keep as much in her head or get as much done as she did pre-baby…that somehow childbirth lowered her threshold for productivity.
One reason this happens is because of something called the mental load.
“The mental load is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders…the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It's being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members, and making sure they actually get done.” (mindbodygreen.com)
We’re used to handling the cognitive tasks associated with work and family life and then baby comes along, and the mental load grows exponentially. We don’t get dumber; it just gets harder!
Understanding this concept helps because it gives language to why our heads feel so full most of the time. My friend wasn’t exaggerating when she said she feels like she can’t handle as much as she used to before baby! She feels that way because she can’t. She now has an entirely new mental load.
Planning, organizing, scheduling, maintaining, remembering, preventing, and reminding. These are all parts of our mental load that have little to do with our actual physical tasks. Even if you have a partner who is very supportive, active, and involved, I think we can agree that a great deal of the above cognitive work remains with us as wives and mothers.
Here are 3 suggestions to help you lower your mental load and deal more effectively with what remains:
1. Un-load your brain. Write down everything involved in your mental load related to your family Get both the chores/tasks and the invisible work out of your head and onto paper. You can use this later as a starting place to share with your partner possible ways to redistribute some of the mental load.
2. Reframe your self-talk. After you’ve made your above list, read over it slowly. Take it in. See in black and white the mental load you’ve been carrying. Begin practicing reframing any negative self-talk that results from feeling you aren’t doing a good job at this mom thing.
For example, instead of “I’m so ashamed and embarrassed for missing my son’s dental appointment. What kind of mom can’t remember something important like that?” Try “I’m proud of how well I care for my family. When things slip through the cracks, that’s just part of being human and not a reflection of my love for them.”
3. Stop Comparison. Part of learning to cope with high mental load is make a shift in the expectations we carry for ourselves. The way your family functions will be different than how another family functions. Comparison only sets us up to feel unworthy and incompetent.
If no one has told you lately, you’re doing an amazing job. This mom thing isn’t for the weak. I’m proud of you for the ways you love your family well.