Forgiving You
Forgiving others when they’ve hurt us is hard. These wrongs can range from a slight to something so devastating you feel there’s no possible way to forgive. Thinking about forgiving other people evokes many emotions. Fear is at the top of that list. We often fear that our forgiveness may signal approval to the person – that they’ll believe what they did wasn’t that bad. In turn, we fear opening ourselves up to being hurt again. Other emotions that can surface are resentment, frustration, anger, and sadness.
Self-protection is an extraordinarily strong coping tool for many of us. The way we self-protect varies, as well as the reasons we do it, but we all do it. Holding out on forgiving someone can be a form of self-protection. We believe that if we stay in a state of unforgiveness, we can avoid getting hurt. One reason some people begin to self-protect is because of unresolved past trauma. Someone hurt them and they learned, both through thinking about it but mostly from what their bodies are telling them, that if they hardened their hearts, distanced themselves from others, and did whatever required to self-protect, they could be safe. And here’s the thing, it worked. Until it didn’t.
Consider this example. Jen comes to counseling because just recently got married and things aren’t going well. She tells me, “I don’t know what the problem is. I love my husband. I’m physically attracted to him, but I’m struggling with the desire to have sex.” After looking at other possible physical causes, I asked her to tell me more about her closest relationships as she was growing up. She tells me about her mom and her siblings and describes healthy dynamics with them. She doesn’t mention a father-figure and when I ask, she goes quiet. Then she shares, “My dad was never around, and my stepdad, well, he wasn’t a good guy.” When I gently explore her connection with her stepdad, I find out she was sexually abused by her stepdad for at least part of her young childhood. As she continues over the next session to tell me about her relationships with guys as she grew up, a pattern emerged. She’d begin to date someone, but when things began to get serious, she’d either pick a fight to create distance, or go silent. The guys in her life would keep trying until they got tired and broke up with her and moved on. And the pattern would repeat and did into her adulthood. Jen met her husband, they dated, and they managed to work through Jen’s tendency to create distance and they eventually married. After a few months though, she and her new husband began to argue about sex, and she sought help to figure out what was “wrong” with her. After working together for a few sessions, it became clear.
The pattern of keeping distance and staying aloof kept Jen safe when she was experiencing abuse. Her hardness and unforgiveness of her stepdad were a shield that allowed her to survive. It was a gift in a sense because it allowed her to endure both physically and emotionally the pain she was caused. But now, she was married to a man who loved her, who was safe. Jen no longer needed her hardness. She needed a new way of relating, and she needed to consider what her unforgiveness was doing to her, both physically and emotionally. Did that happen all at once? No, of course not. But over time, Jen learned how to release the fear that had been keeping her at arm’s length from the man she loved, and she began to feel safe in her body. Through a process of forgiveness, prayer, trauma treatment and support, Jen began to heal.
Forgiveness, and choosing acceptance rather than resentment, brings freedom. Freedom from resentment, bitterness, and anger. Forgiveness allows us to choose again. It allows us to develop other tools, like healthy boundaries to provide a sense of emotional and physical safety. It allows us to integrate our trauma into our lives and not let the trauma or unforgiveness rule our behavior anymore.